Now even if the only ever ponderous nuanced cheery version of everything is ALL I am...
And the SW, well at least i met an honest London bloke yesterday even if he sucks up to the charismatic End of Times ists...
"In London and the SE it's only about get out of MY way..."
"but sir if half of PAstyland and much of its money and rather a lot of your Devon theme parktoo is also inhabited by such peeps brought up in London or the SE, do you really think they have a formative-years-transplant, too.... Ive meandered the whole world and worked and lived and taken in all sorts of other and less status driven materialist arrogant modes of being... but my formative years early teen and the years of being under old man Ralph's wing plus some real counterculturaluists who really were real community.... are still more me than anywhere else i may be....... dpoyou really think all their weekend at an ashram or retreat en route to their transplant changes them... really...really really? "
Now there is little point speaking with anyone long known especially the glorious summer of 2020, to women known for some years:
" theres a young child here... i spend my days with them sometimes her and her old swedish gran at the river by Wentes Park... her uselerss interior decoration obsxessed mum only moved here 6 mths ago.... the lass in is the now closed private school 20km away.... mum just flounces around her so so decorative front garden all day... this so beautiful extraordinary new friend of mine i had no idea i would ever have a little one under my wing again but Im an old bird .... can we PLEASE find her some local children to play with get invited to tea with... theres a few just up the road from her you know them..its your 'community'...."
To three mums and one mum-schoolteacher.... of that parish not even my parish...
Evert single one smiles and .... says the 'right' things...
The only image of that year i shall never forget even if its a downer in fact almost death sentence
Into the later summe r one day awaiting my cheaper pastie at the pastie shop on the corner (ohh i had asked themtoo..)
I saw a car drive by.... and the little girl - well actually a fine strapping one... turned to me as it rounded the corner just afront the still closed library
talk about emotion. All their ferkin martyrdom and all their false witnesses ...bearing...
our eyes met (her in the backseat)... our gazes laser-target captured one another as a jet piloyts horrid little death screen may in your movies... her head swivelling as the car cornered to 'hold' that infinite 'space' between us
Neither of us needed to smile
Nor say anything.....
As i know she knew... " you tried"
And she knew i knew i had failed....
to even nicely friendly "it takers a village to raise a child" just persuade one of these smiling toxic Teletubby parents of Presteigne....to invite a newly arrived lovely interesting kid with NO problems i had confirmed....
In their time of 'crisis'.... well past by midsummer 2020
to tea...
And i knew something inside her too had died - or of course grown up and seen the reality of being alive......poor Matilda
But what a privilege and impossible simply impossible as i knew i would never spend time with young kids again every day for years up to May 2020...impossible new life she sparked in me
Anyway 'I am' are two words i hate as i know everything is universal
Or pretty much unless your mum is the only one who isn't melodramatically entitled to her 'neurodivergency' extra council help and taxi fares...
which even New New New Nutjob Labour realise we could never afford, so.... find a village!
and mental issues 'phases' as doesnt befit the economic model of making cash out of them forever... rather than finding eventual real solution of course except for the truly disabled
But all rants even if face to face mine are usually very graceful or intend to be... are only ever against the self. I knew all my 20s that it was simply imp[ossible and never ever to be that i may be unatomised, unselfeliant - totally the world expert on being so, and phrases like "the common good" made me have an intestinal spasm... even if i had even run away with and adored some real adorable proper true Jesus-like counter culture real thing peeps age 16 (of course they didnt stay true to self one discovers years later at Princess Di's)..
It was impossible for me to listen learn even from great progressive enlightened books like Silas or Tolstoy's Resurrection (except the last 2 pages) even if i gobbled all of them up for years....
It was impossible not to be ... new and changed and one day seemingly the only one who even noticed Matilda's pain even though what a perfect cheery stoic...
It was impossible to look forward to sharing a motor to some losers Green Party meetup as i would find the driver so 'othering'-any-other-yoga-matty neurotic and pathetic
All of it was impossible.... until the exactly worst ever things in the world happened over a decade on and off...
Even if i had the greatest teacher ever age 30 the Oxford Ed mum of 3 nippers who taught me with kids its ONLY ever about what next, what you do tomorrow ... still it was only partly possible with my own (in regards to me and others then)
All i know is every single so called 'lifecoach ' or self help or Eckheart Tolle load of tripe... does nothing
And the only thing that does is " i KNOW who i am and this person/ project/ whatever is NOT me..... and i know i will not at all enjoy tomorrow if i let myself be in any way part of them/it.... especially as they have all trashed my kids planet with absolutely no self restraint where it matters...."
Until.....you just....DO
the opposite of what you know to be best safest and who you are...
It doesnt change your root personhood ...but you do.... 'grow' despite every other nonsense workshopped word being exactly that one and sadly..
nobody in presteigne as one of many examples, home of ex Sourtjherners all chanting with their farmers market smiles "we grow by our community [ paid] gatherings on how we are growing.." so busy growing...
nobody had even noticed why we are even here...
to be here for, Matilda...
(full film audio and many an interview with her old European gran - looked sixty ! as she was a fighter ...one day)