Now....hmmmm....if anyone is left i this loony land "Albion" they say - these sad little Glastonbury types - that is not the festival, rather the false deities, for cash, types.... who never speek of their desire to be godly or cash of course (see video about to go ...up... they are just part of the 'system' ...unless you charge £50 a day of work-shopping - that is at least someone with values.... )
If there is anyone left who can read....
(this is NOT phone optimised, you'll need a laptop !)
Unplanned, and in fact I may never...[pause].... (it is the PAUSES in literature that make it ...live, be alive, cause emotion...which is almost the opposite of melodrama i think , most are addicted to - never me.... emotion if for a natural real necessary reason we have used since the stone age.. so that we remember what is a matter of life and death - where we found the best grub; where we found a loony hocus pocus selling harridan who NEARLY killed us.. there are several pauses in this paragraph that are as mind fuckingly poignant even Shakespeare would be jealous - they literally ARE his big ones... talking lifetime once-only, here...)
I may never even pause to tell the story of... somebody who yesterday read a secret little webpage i sent her....
I KNEW!!!! it would fail.....i knew i would be once again 'ghosted'...
I know i do not capitalise my 'i's...when i should, but bizarrely for a person who truly does have ultra balance - and makes sure much off screen time and, even more importantly, much forget them all time... cant and vanity ... stuckness, lostness...
But so so much happens often i havent time [literally] to have the habit of the extra finger jab to capitalise 'i's
In other words i let go....
To live...a real life not only an examined and good life as per Montaigne...and co
one has to compromise - perfection takes TOO much time
In this first draft of i genuinely don't know what, i wince at each time i write a word in capitals ("shouting" they love to shout at you) - nicer, more juicy and sweet for you if i italicise - but that takes another extra finger jab i dont have time for..
Cos of all the erkin time wasters...lost souls...
I mean over a decade+ now...
However....especially of late - the last year almost the the day
There are a few whom one would have hped did in fact 'respond' or communicate at a decent human to human level, even if "bugger off mate... i only 'mate' with girlies.." or just thank you for your compliment but i don't believe anyone can find me REALLY attractive and desirable fifty plus.." which sadly is the greatest fraud of all time, that 99.9% suffer from though they will never say it -as ONLY a fine mind, spirit...lifeforce....you really only do get after about 50.... is the sexiest thing in history... Kim's (K) arse a fake, silly fraud....it is NOT sexy...
greying silvering hair.... says you have SOME self belief at least....
wiry figure says you dont lie abut not taking to bed a packet of biscuits every
night...
And not lying is the most attractive thing of all.... kindof
Anyway.. something in my silly sad (not to me) little life has happened... that is once in a lifetime.
i have found at last THE key...or one it wuld seem
BUt it would not have... have even been spied if t were not for half a dozen rude little imps, one who a week ago couldnt even say "thank you mister for taking your time to message that expert 20 year experience, info"
Despite lying to her (for the sake of efficiency - i.e. no i dont want to fuck you thank you very much,but i do have something useful if you mean "community") "my girlfriend and i.."
Anyway every single one - be it Miss Understanding, on her nana boat, to the rude little user, wo will suffer - as she said "yes please do share with us that possibly business saving info" in front of her 20ish year old daughter - and the daughter smilingy smiley chimes "yes wonderful" but when her mu loses the business... will also remember her mums utter rude contempt... towards he who did actually serve ona plate THEIR solution..
i couldnt give a fuck i decry tourist theme arks...
But even her, TRUTH speech: or at least thought bubble, "THANK YOU!!"
I would not have written THAT letter..or sent THAT message... had i not been utterly sick to the....
.....no wrong way of describing reality. Realised long ago there is no hope, ever....no woman r man means what they say.... one is on ones own
SO... go ALL the way..
When i really wasn't planning to, for years! And in fact did not have the energy within for that terrible las attempt. Because i have been trying for other simply 'good' things...
But that (inward - i sent to me my way even if not one knows my 'way') contempt.... worked!
This is the happiest moment for many years.
Freed to not only be myself
Freed to also enjoy it!
But thank you... would not have had the poise and grace to manage that last key finding session had one (of 'you' /them) ... just been reasonable...human...
DO...come back...i know t was all worth it now...
and fuck yer yogi teabag label "gratitude is ..." whatever nonsense they say... (my only addiction a yogi at dusk)
Nope... gratitude is a BODILY thing... i feel my thanks - genuinely - not much gets me dancing at dawn...but i was today
Actuall that last sentence a bit wonky cos that IS the point she needs to take in - many dawns i quietly dance alone but with bestest energy and lifeorce ever...in other words no she did not hurt me...
But how do i 'game'that side of it all... the real life no brainer side...
That 'mindset' was the last good newthink word they came up with...
but we already gt there when i was 17 ish... "cultural construct defines almost all of us... "
I do not respond to melodrama, but i think the majority (only) do
And great literature works on emotion - reader on 6.27 best recent example... and she is a queen of it
Lit...
Hmmm i have no idea what the fuck strategy
next
But a wise man knows, anyone who says they know what was in Solomon's mind, or bed. is a fool...
Its all just toss of the coin...
maybe
or maybe something else.. ("ineffable"!)
only a fool thinks they know which
