I liked that little original 'funny' that came to mind (if you wish to know what it is don't bother with Penrose, as usual with the Performalish fellows even as a very oldie he has to ego jab the world with something tubular that may or may not be ...it's the 'charm' that gets in the way)
Black dog,, sulky dog.... nope it's gone.
Just like one's identity.
My only 'identity' which is a wrong coopted word for the only person you are because from 1992 the last thing in the world. ever, which i knew for a fact could not be me
Became the only me.
Nothing to do with travel or freedom in fact the exact opposite,: being stuck close in to a few young bundles of actual 'joy' their mum couldn't even afford to travel to the countryside
SO to have a whole life - the bit that counts: over 30 or 35 below which one is not even a work in progress but merely a rabbit in the headlights, only about knowing that young children change you or tweak you to be a better version of the 'self' or at least focus you in on what modern 'values' were for....
ONLY; not a bit, only.... nothing else... desiring and usually having Mr Maybe's nature all around. Most of 30 years living very remotely. Living 10km+ up into the hills of The Black Mountains, Craswall, no neighbours for 2 km is very different to living in a rural village in fact it makes rural villages seem suburban...
No one, nobody.... suiting one down to the ground, mainly as one discovered in such places as The Wye Valley that none of the incomming actually DID want to be in 'nature' and a long walk was an 'event' when if you live in nature it is a habit especially when one of the many fraud incommers saying she loves only nature, turns out to love London just as much, and living in 'nature' the proppper version means when your clutch goes well you need someone to run you tback from a garrage or from the shops... so as they arent actually ever around - or hens teeth.. you have periods having to walk TO go and do your chores 10km away...
which is different than making nature an event
And i aint stupid i know the world changed .. but what never changed is the need for any child to have absolutely tons of time with their adult...
Which 1992 became my ONLY identity... thats it. No need for anything else as being only that NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL ..or what you arent allowed to feel - as in mum's boobs... is all secondary.
And it certainly is not "sacrifice" to quote him who cant go out without a two grand suit...
It is the remedy.
But then to have lost - had stolen... ones only actual 'identity'....
Is one of some genuine gold medal events at the Olympics of 'victimhood'... there are of course some genuine other such events...
But still, to have (dedicating all to ones kid 25 years ago years - in fact not even the 'norm' being never a dime to spare and often not a dime to spare to eat properly... thats the price of solo rural actual REAL lofe on no imported cash.... ) ones whole only ...only ever - meaning the only one that caused happiness and self-liking PLIUS the knowledge that it was a moral necessity to work on the next generation as thats all we are...
to have that whole being stolen. And not go wonky...not end up in the abyss with the black dog chasin' you around bitin' your bum....
is i know full well real and worth sharing...
soon.
