Sunday 4 June 2023

"Big Jobs"

 As this is not a 'blog' ~ which will seem at present obtuse, and slightly arsey, to explain, briefly, before all the 'festival' goers awake and eat the signal.

Or even yesterday I was given "aggy"..

Twenty years ago i was inadvertently seduced...wrong word for 'love' - had to take forward a life or death 'cause'; won. But causes take up so much of your whole soul - there are better words than 'soul'. I have no formal intellectual education beyond 'o' levels, but  over the years groomed myself as a wordsmith - but the grooming only really worked when true hell on earth would occasionally come (never ever over any line with any self medication or mental illness - true real full-abyss grief for 3 years yes... but.. that evolves you word-wise, eventually)

I am extremely good with words. But never ever to put up barriers. I can adapt to all peoples, and classes. I have always been a gypsy, nomad , island.. even if quite antisocial - seeking mainly places 'aside' to just BE. I can weave in lacuna, ascetic (non religious) hiraeth, saudade (the best one - defn "is not finished yet, unlike the dead 'hiraeth') mendicant, concomitant... 

anyway quickest version - to give away, be forced to give away a cherished identity is almost worse that full on 100% grief. My identity was stoic quiet hilldwelling 25 years ago, after a once 'another life'  world traveling life.

But for two causes, three really, though # 3 was for the four years of BREXIT - tramping far and wide attempting to build bridges with the many who SAID they cared about 2016.. hundreds...

wandering idiot savant, attempting to develop rhetoric, ways of speaking with all sides, so as to find alliance. And i had to become something not at all me - someone who could speak with anyone in a bubbly even funny way randomly on a street corner.

But over the years (ohhh the ballet dancer yesterday utterly true love ) i realised they simply are not able ever to truly take things in- simple things, standard ways of taking forward causes... probably not my prose either. And then the total 100% two facedness in (my earlier work) free speech, but especially environmentalism and remaining 'enlightened' (linked to EU) forget it... toxic Teletubbies only interested in picnicking with wonky wombles.. i mean 'our' side. 

But... not only for many years have i learned  to find, yes, a true silver lining, in fact DEEP philosophical new thing, in all total starvation and poverty and all that - and i do not mean the version which some sad little lost 30 something may come ad do some "love me i am cutsey" talk on at a festival -  and then forget who they said they were 5 mins later..

nope the real deal.

But... giving away ones true 'identity' - that is a big one...even if now - post schism my only wish to have old me back.

Simple life though is about this: i have literally every single 'moment' in my life, i need (except one) and thus dont even bother looking at the stats of this site to see if there is any ..traffic..'interest' whatever..

But... i do know something else. That humour is a hard one. (whole long essay on this soon). It is said around the world "The English laugh at something [serious] then do nothing.." As a world traveller and almost only lover of other peoples, i have further true rather unpleasant observations of reality only the person 'aside' can calculate,  such as that.

Blahh blahh pious essaying... one day. But as an ultra full green person 20+ years ago - for the sake of my beloved next generation, i also worked out then: earnest/ pious does NOT WORK...

humour...and the kind no green i ever meet considers even legal, SELF DEPRICATING pulling ones own leg and sticking a fork in the tongue in ones own cheek... is maybe the only 'hope'..

I couldnt really do that...until three years ago...someone arrived in my life. Impossible,..

so absurdly impossible that daily (still) all day a huge fattish builder body man.. half breed mongrel... who even lied for a year about his half-life being Pakistern.. 

it was impossible that daily (my ONLY) communicant digitally.. is this massive tank of a man... my equal in 'intellect', and we have for three years sought the most painful imaginable words to insult, undermine, offend... we even have made up our own genius (Rick Mayallish) language...

(he is always of the theoretically 'opressed' .. froma  city where there was racism... he knows pios / woke whatever we wish to call the victim olympics..) does not WORK...

I love him because he is so funnily above all.. cant and vanity, so we seek only cant and vanity in each other all day at times..  to challenge each other to be even FUNNIER ...and i was born bloody Mandella, i was born so absurdly serious... but it... our we just get funnier all the time ...only by words..

But there is no limit. And thus we have true love.

So somehow i have to weave that impossible negro swan development into my otherwise only simple life...

I will soon. When free of this so humourless festival now i see of hooray Henries 

It is like being back in Sloane Square  Oriel cafe in the bleedin 80s...

But i know cannot last... businesses selling to hooray henriettas  - who never admit they once were having rebranded themselves something akin to Laura Ashley with a twist of Biba..  havent been spending their stolen lucre for some all, anywhere around...

To be continued.

Now i have my big job out - of storage.... i write far better on a large notepad

And it starts with what only coallesced fully a week ago - yes it is the ...(sorry i read all  volumes of Karl Ove's awful self pitying moan..) it is never ever a struggl; is the process, the flow all day through necessary survival modes...

Best for some time, actually chatting up the babe last evening, genuinely (woozily)  peckish, really did fancy charming a  spare pizza out of her... and in the last place ever imaginable found a true companera.. troubadour.. someone who like the ballet dancer (but not as superbly my-equal smart as her) ..tells it like it is..

truth really is freedom and beauty...and is the ONLY thing that makes a woman post 50... ten times more desirable than any ridiculous nervy 30 year old as they all are..

ONLY spirit in a woman is a  sex potion so strong.. it trumps all mere youthful fey bullshit fancipantsness...of anything any under 50 can ever manage

And hardly any of them ever seem to know it ...or BE it...