Sunday 11 June 2023


But to cease, not ‘give up’ that is the language of melodrama. Stop… End.

And to cease as an adult – I don’t think we are adult until we are 45 plus…. Maybe for some never; is so interesting. Just a few days distance from a last ‘symbolic’ act. Or ten…


But the stories behind this last notice, to publisher….or hustler who wants a little slice.

Let me simply say as I am not a Welsh ‘windbag’, what a shaggy dog story. And a half… (I say “one and a half bereavements… within a few weeks”


To have …well it is about allies… Twenty years a new setting in life: could there be allies, even here? Twenty years of not boastfully knowing I became better and better at finding little bridges over the mud… Because I knew why allies mattered- if one can find a half sane or sober one. But no. “what did you do for 20 years?” “well when not living every moment for and with a kid … knowing I had a good take on some causes and despite it not being me learning how to put ally finding at heart of all…. And failing, but failing more than ‘well’…. “ But that’s another story, in a rather long book.


But how good to not need to ever again think that way.


 A few photos on the desktop, that need clearing away…. The past.  Even if this one sits properly above the last post. A lacuna between them so full of everything in so much 20th century human history. And I wish I could simply go back to, thirty years ago, but I never think like that or EVER do self pity, so… I wish that place – as places are in people. Would come to me, now…I was never ready before. Just two days distance and it is is my body. All the past can fuck off and die….

Hahh hahh…

The others – pictures, many, they are of the ‘struggle’ that are the exact opposite – the pleasure to have honed simplifying to such an extent I can live on almost nothing. As if I lived in The Carlton Cannes. 

I did once - that was my phase - it is as if yesterday, the man who could not help his single child birth, into the weirdest very rich old English Empire family, imaginable...

the saddest man i ever knew. With his bizarrest kind of asceticism (non religious) - two shirts, two pairs of formal trousers, a blender for his main diet of vegetable and fruit mixes - no criticism there, and his own machine - the ten seater plane...we only ever had a few of my friends within in his endless quest for...?? 

That took him to be used by his 'friends' in the arming of the Balkans - even if only in the subtlest backdoor way he was never sure of being part of...

(big men and big machines are clever - they rarely do their business in any way that even their 'associates' know what is the actual purpose...)

  In fact far  better - no money in the world could get me back there. The purest zen contentment here, is only enhanced by 'there' knowing there was nothing there wholesome or even enjoyable, for all the fancy laundered towels and robes in the  . world...  retain the aroma of the 


But I shall get to all of that one day for the rest of life, as it has always for many years – decades, been the one great energising wonder – we need so little, and keep it to only one we do need. If you know why. As a real adult..