Thursday 30 November 2023

"you can fix my daddy's house.."

For the fifth time in five yeas... though I only was thrilled to hear the words once, a year ago

At last! the sequence....

With a day to go to the 20th anniversary of that picture....grindstones 

the casual viewer could not imagine the effort to get back on the road..

Many hours to find this -- i had to for the first time in my life resort to al sorts of bitty messed up backups of film here and there (...only because of a journey to avenue ^ Juin... no regrets) but


30th April at Edward Bulmer's ... day of pretending to be environmental and other things...

A camera woman at last but WHAT a price i paid...

I don't matter.

She does.

And the various disjointed  seemingly unkind quips about the 'mindfulness' or even shamanic hocus pocus, brigade..English born..

I referred in July to how truly damaging it all is...
of course never easy to quite put ones finger on exactly how ...much damage

But her story 'Leb'... half mong... 

So there i am Mayday  - 6 weeks of so shabby men once again such a palavrer to just get some vehicle maintenance ... except the simply superb Charlie's autos of Leominster at last ...more on him another day - what a soul! .. preparing to head off forever... across the Bridge to Forever 

A traveller wanders by and I needed the practice
behind the painted on smile
the travellerust be helped. Period. Or not (hers drove her beserk)

an hour in 
" and she the wellness healer practitioner from London my landlady now set up in Clun [ inherited gold bars] is abusing me bullying me... we used to be friends but..."

" theres an easy solution to that i shall move you down to a lovely quiet campsite...lend a tent... but all these illnesses...please try and walk .. it is right by my ex walking for many miles...  "

But...of course ..theres more.

(audio yesterday or day before her dad simply the archetype of 1940s born English man so messed her up with his vainglory its daft..) 

A few hours in just keeping company " well  you could renovate his house after we have sortedout the legal matters to have im cosily cared for in a home... evidence suggesting he is no longer the neighbours"

"ok... maybe later in the year i have somewhere important to go first....  but anyway these legal matters  you need to deal with first are all terribly standard....but clearly you are overwhelmed ... havent ANY of these middle class so called friends ever even sat you down with a cuppa to sort through these simplethigs you are at breakdown with... your chakra can wait sweety and your shmanic bodily alchemised fluid balance too...   we wont get anywhere near this matter so so troubling you  his house maybe you were abused in... without simple hard work putting simple affairs in order first.... "
I short years and years of naval gazing work on the 'soul' ..with these supposed intelligent friends....  not one had managed to even talkthrough the most straightforward matters of the morality of her fathers behaviour over many years and what she owes him as he enters his decrepidation....and what sollutios to assuage her terrible hurt and guilt and confusion... such as setting up a trust with rennovated housesale funds she would jointly  administer ...back at the ashram in India they all must runt to
("for gods sake they must never know you have a dad worth half a mil")

 But that sounds all very trite and flippant... i have never et someone in such an ill mess .. made worse as she was screaming for days by er'healer' wellness friends high preistesses of hotyoga zen mindful..of nothing
A truly hurt woman years of these  fairies and pixies ... mermaids... who had offered her not one straightforward helping hand in the straightforward matters any 40 year old may be facing over dying folks...

Just infantilisation....  as so a imes found before....allofthos naval gazing into the naval of self obsession ...

So be it...noty world  but for others sake some of it needs to be put in some reasonable book..
" okthe ONLY reason i am standig by you now aftera  eek of we are gettig nowhere you in endless wolf wailig pain in the woods... yes if you write the wole story i tinkthat may be good for you...but we must NOT blame im...i got you a least tothe point yesteraft walk of ... well you said it.... mum abused me far more. He was a disaster but it probably was almost by accident he had no idea whats what as ay his generatio didnt... and she was just repeatig the cycle of (really interesting! ... abuse done to her by the adopting English family...if she really was the daughter of the famous Palestinian aircraft kidnapper... that photo is the spitting image...  
" write the book weve already started i think for you it would be  a great catharsis... anway YOU wat to youve said enough times...  and it is standard psychology so much mixed up hurt .. it will likely help.."

(#1 dadys house.."yes please do renovate!" old lady with horses ... known well 2 years prior    that fantasy booking...ehhh as soon as her new " i can heal you" friend is in situ she of course gets rid of anyone around who may see through her lust for free land..... .free of the kids who were  enjoying it 9 months, too...... #2 .. now she in fact is a pubic figure of sorts who i charge of health and safety at THE regional 'community'festival... sentenced a mother to death...on pleading ...[ that storyreally is important i wish i could find thatmother and tell her...we TRIED!!!! we were ready to look after your kid.. your friends i sought out and they said you never usually got zonked... and we were all ready to sit with you ntil it wore off...thats wat COMMUNITY does.... not report you  the SS and i had pleaded " hannah thats a death sentence for this mother....I a fucki childlaw expert as you all know....she will never see that daughter again the second SS get the call.... ....and ALL her friends say - ive iterrogated every one they promise she is safe...  one silly pill...i hate allthese drugs but they all say she is ok... Esti and dad and a few others we pledge to just sit by her ... she will be fine in a  few hours ... 
Nope London steals all souls as 20 years had ..hers...
 being a paid carer for people who should never be judged..
#3...  2022 silly....  #4 ... silly me i should have just said  "ok NOW... dont hang about its what you NEED...i need you so lets get it fact i was thinking a few weeks ago if i had  a pot of cash of my own i would just go and bloody DO it... now...  and #5.... May 2023... poor woman... no hope... none of her hipster healer  woman friends  -  littering the SW too...could even manage to  help her talkthrough just one simple childhood real trauma...  
And then.... THREE.. middle aged comfortable good biurghers of a small town i asked each one, in turn... all pleasant and relaxed - i had spoke at gates and styles at length with all f them marooned 9 months broken down " could you please try and find the name of a reasonable counsellor in the area ..i dont really know this patch very well....   woman quite distressed but ive been holding her hand a few weeks she is safe enough...ok.... very inteligent...COULD be helped quite quickly by just a half sane therapist... "
" certainly leave it with me .. i know eveone around" 
times three (two even an ex London ultra worthy school headmistress)
not one... ever takes the trouble to even text  sorry cant help...
 And this is in a small 'community' which ever other Fakebook post braggs of being a 'community'..

ON the 20 year anniversary tomorrow  of THAT photo.... (me under the signage 'nil illegitimi..'..i got there a last
And as i say it is wrong!
And she proves she is sane with a  wonderful quip...
But i knowthe proof was sadly all these women with such bad dad experiences... ones at least
can never listen to a bloke 

" don't let the bastards grind you down" 

nil ilegittimii ...

grindstones are just part of life

catch the 'swarf'... dust and waste left below a grindstone.. and turn it into something arty or interesting..if you can.

even if film #1 mayday

" listen...and you get a copy...i pledge never ever to on any way benefit by one penny from your fatgers estate except £ 10 hr for renmovations in the autumn if we manage the schedule.. one penny more than that you take this to the cops with proof and call it coercion whatever you want....  but its a firm promise

.i know no man ever kept one to you rspecially lets try and fix that first...  matters of who to trust  can always be fixed.... dads real ones find solutions...ok got it...  not a penny of yours do i see ever ok... i dont want it anyway i avoid people who cannot stop smoking pot .. this is just being human.."