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toronto was it today?
" i have a responsibility"
i give up.
but big fat errata, and all that matters to me....
fait accompli means that over various arenas over 14 years one puts some 'truths'
spring 2010 i knew exactly the poison
self regard
the internet or rather using the inyernet as brochure to present an economic front, ehich absolutely every middle aged English woman has done for about 15 years ..or rather the 50% who could be bothered
i.e. look at me ... maybe even spend with me
rather than be behind the camera who they promised to be... when it mattered.
In my own case i have smattered this and that here and there ( summer 2010 only being bobbily bothered because of someone elses self regard . )
maybe... i dont care
if i drop dead on this afternoon's walk ... some of quite an interesting ( real and extremely well evidenced) picture may be collected together by some descendent and there are half a dozen Dickens novels in there .
me, no pleasure for a second in that
only minor pleasure two last week! ... two saneish goodish female minds confirming so clearly an utter dystopia here
falsies
and skivers due " mental health" from the walking Pole
thats a smiley real bodily visceral pleasure.
Actual pleasure i had put off .. just trying to weave some fairy tale based on 'truth' as clear as day i for years have Be eeen...in .. that there is something 'more' .. call it sublime juju vudu or .. whatever
i had one of those lovely divine coincidences a few days ago...
its nice...
they never ' help' or guide ... i dont think they are allowed to
we must take steps unaided...
risk
know we cannot know and thus the most 'divine' of all divinities even if thats a pretty wonky word... is that impossible to predict meeting of two, who may, years ago, have even made a third
no one helps with that quandry..ever
why it is do unique
and the only real meaning
but its so dangerous in uk to take any step...
Florentino's kind of step . .
so be it ...
Anyway 'license'... for years in my thick head " its too interesting and valuable that long phase if life from 2010 .. space ..awareness... of the magic... not that i know what its for but still its there... what can i say..i am too reserved to really say never mind write anything or maybe its too precious....
thats all on fact myself i wish to really be a bit .. well... see if o e day i may be able to write something half readable about. .
the rest
of no real interest at all,and responsibility or not, utterly no pleasure
and if you survive yourself beyond about 53... really
it should
Be
about a fair bit of pleasure, too
" i am no martyr" .. either. Now ive been one at times necessarily as thats a death worth dying
if its for functional family love
no denying,
long enough....
And stopping really does mean, stop.
I couldnt give a fig..
( i do hope suzi tells 'hollistic' Hettie ... more people pleasing bullshit even if the slits in her walking shoes real.. ... that little fun snippet ... me going to buy dried figs for our scheduled autumn 2021 walk... cos she liked them... i unliking her the moment i heard " my kids got corvid cant come" the science stating far more likely they will be hurt by the flu)
all the rest is a big Monty Python.
that one.. in fact i "moralise" is it right to pass on tales of maybe-more?
Because i believe in my 'more' as it all came to me slowly . no guru in the way ( to con, or distrust).. no man or woman mediated
pure and simple
me and the maybe ( 99%cert) 'forces'
But if they sort of came and sort of held my hand a bit...
well.. i was as stubborn as they come prior 2005ish ....
point: they can come to anyone... if metoo
its up to them...
and maybe its wrong to even pass on our own stories....
so much more valuable if it... that magic, comes just ... comes... to you me.. anyone. i dont think we should describe it ...
quandary
but i sort of have so sort of quandary no more
which means i may be a real baddie cos i do think thats the deal... shut up and dont spout anything on anything you cannot hold its hand of in tjis world
