At long last, even if what else i wish to try and spin into tales of fables, in the living,
(of)
gone wrong
and dying
A bit 'Will Self', but as if he actually had a soul... I will admit.
But unlike him - why i do have a soul, i know pretentious words - big fancy ones that serve only to make him look, fancy....do no good.
I can use them: hiraeth, ascetic (i know the real meanings and only ever wish to share); and then we have the truly weaponlike: concomitant, my old fave (in letters to judges or opposing baddie lawyers who know how to read between the lines and exactly what that one means "fuck with me, acting on behalf of this small person you wish to ruin the life of, and i will kill you... by sticking a burning tyre around your neck - the pacifist version....and i will win...and you will eventually lose your job [as happened rather often after they met me] ",
aesthetic... and the best of all saudade.... which i found the most beautiful living meaning for only a year ago "saudade if not finished yet.." from the only lying unpleasant Portuguese i ever met...of many.
The moral of that story being, the art is above the artist...a piss-one in her case... getting paid millions to look after 'our' 'fostered' ...children...
Pretention is the enemy, of intention...simply to converse with as many as possible...
But then every metaphysical word has the last 15ish years been monetised (even if they never admit it) by every lost sour thing wanting Facebook friends, for monetising one day...
And one cannot say any metafizzy word without having to give 100 pages of con text.... just in case one is labeled with the millions of con artists...
rule 1. NOPE... Herman Hesse really did do the best job i think of describing how evolution, centredness, peace...comes from shutting the fuck up and beuing no one except a boatman... and (i add - but this bit is quite good), not only is any spiritual insight void if money is made in any way from it, in fact it is questionable if ANY spiritual insight should ever ever be shared with anyone....
cos that devalues it. (something like, if 15ish years ago EVEN I...was shown beyond any doubt, for real, unmittigated by ANY other extant or not extant human, there really really is 'something else'... absolutely anyone could have the same joy.... and because i trusted no one ever ... ok i learned from Fromm To Have or To Be decades ago... but never entirely trusted him
When 'it' comes to you...for sure.... no other con artist weaving spells... that is so so so much more real, valuable...and changes things for real
But what is 'it'.
All the words, magic, fairies, shaman this that and the other...all so so so Glastonbury commoditised ... yes we knew about that 15 years ago.... and they are VISCIOUS those high priestesses..i know as i have looked after, rehoused...some of their victims
(and shall expand on this soon, though it is so dull as they all only got even more viciously zealot from 2020 - they arent stupid, and know the discretionary spend of their customer base...would reduce... which i personally find funny - to have watched...even been part of last autumn trying to help the high priestess of all high priestesses look after her young son better...by reducing the stress in her kitchen, the 'stress' of her having ripped off hundreds and imminent knickers-in-a-twist... bankruptcy..harming HIM... when i though money didn't matter to these people.... that person i knew well 20 years... and can recall every single time she sung and preached she and 'her' people were above money...)
Anyway... so what... fools...
TRUE 'faith' comes when no even slightly possible dodgy false profit has mitigated...
And true wisdom is never ever overthinking the thing such that conceitedly, some term 'anthropocentrically' one may know the 'deal'...
But i do think it is extremely questionable to share ones 'insights' - cheat notes from the goddesses, direct them to me... especially when i have absolutely no idea what the fuck language they are even in, never mind the theosophical or whatever other fancy words may describe what even is 'good' or 'naughty'
But there was this one day: what a divine joke! As if they do have a sense of humour.... nasty bitches... and sorry if as the bigoted sexist pigs the Christians wrongly believe 'it' is a 'he' turns out to be true all along, i withdraw that useful joke (for years "look you sexist pigs...if you would now let god be female for the next 2000 years i think rather a lot of societal angst from inequality and believing one half of humanity is lesser..may diffuse...and i am so so tired of sexist this that and the other... made up... wars...")
Yes, back to....
(and please, i find i amusing how truly useless the art 'critics' and writers were from around mid 1800s.. in respect of the way the word 'The sublime' was not developed..it is as if actual real open thought ossified at that sugar rich rather stupid moment...)
of course simple words like 'coincidence' or 'serendipity' are more useful, for there is more...
But then synchronicity - Jung one of the few (non Nazi) Germans i worry about..Mann superb - Magic Mountain on death, WOW!!!
It is all rather cowardly in my opinion. "along with time.." saying so little, about 'everything'.
SO keep to the simpler words such as coincidence... the grown up version: which requires one basic ingredient, in my long lived living of it, or opinion: space... not much going on so one is 'aware' of all the funny little coincidences... some which may be over-connecting, sure...
And long time i have wandered, asking people who one may hope do have some intelligent words, but no; the only good ones from my so called many year 'friend'...hmmm.. extreme Christian (for business reasons) who in fact saved his soul, in my eyes when he admitted " i don't even know about any real divine being, but sometimes all the [non theosophical/biblical/real life] coincidences say there must be something.."
Great... but the truly terrifying step: i took it once, and still don't know if i was going too far, but at least to this day it makes me THINK... for real, by coining my own better-than-Jung little word...similar root, but ... adding in 'belief'...
Therein though the RUB!
Belief in WHAT?????
Yes we can be pious and earnest and say things like 20 years devoted to the best possible psychological environments for young children is a something worth 'believing' in and the (personal) metafizzics 'confirm'' but that is rather blinkered, foolish, frankly conceited...
I really know nothing...
But i know what happened the day - a sublime august day in 2020, i sat down by a river, at a bench, at last ready to try and write up 'The Sublime' which i had been planning to do for about three years.
And it is on 'tape'... because even if i long lived just at the England Wales border..it was quite apparent earlier that year one was perfectly ok making jokes about bugs in England.. where few even cared any more from about June that year.... but my my..in Wales, one mile over the 'border'... wow.... Stalin returns.... and if one is A, doing real people saving social work, and B. running a free (no money) , illegal girls gathering in the hills so so so full of life and smiles, horseriding club...i founded.. fuck have a protective recorder on all the time..as the nasty things that people make up, are rather nasty, and very ignorant
So, there we are....sat at the river... about three years building up to that moment
"today at last my energy is so perfect, zen and smiles o wonderful...and what a glorious happy summer with the girls...new kids in my life what a JOY!!! ...time to write it... transcribe the Dictaphone notes made a few days ago..i can maybe get it in one page, now...i am ready....ok cheap fountain pen out.... notepad.. off we go... at last"
above= today... if anyone thinks i lie, and havent been only sunbathing in the hills the last 3 perfect days, all day, dawn to dusk, for my health...they dont know me...and i cannot see a word i write, or even photos i load....
But i know exactly what ..happened...
Poised at the bench....
i wrote "pen to paper" ..[interruptus - added later] long planned. Ok thoughts already in my head such as
"that which conclusively allows us to know our existence is insignificant..."
the last word a water smudge...
because the moment i sat so smugly at that bench: now at last i will get it, the few paragraphs that Oxford Fellow J Babb failed to get to.... he last he said to me some years before "it recreates itself every day.." and he is no space cadet...
And at that very second
"screammmmm.!!!!! " like, a death scream...
Only one person in the 2 foot deep fairly fast flowing river afront....fifty metres away...
Ok one large fatbottomed mama on the bank....
But no one - meaning her...is running to save him.... George, age 4..has stumbled and is being swept under by the current
something, despite years i have spent at river edges i have never HAD to do before: Bionic Man time....awful tv show, but the rev up to 100mph in a sprint i discovered can be done...
And a few minutes later the water is still dripping from my hair onto the notepad...
and it really did recreate itself in the continuance
" it is a conceit to thing [ shakey typo - think obviously] even a 'fine' definition is any real good to humanity (or onesself) ... etc "
nor of course to be 100% certain that was the BSDM loving goddesses playing a little joke on me
But time to REALLY be 'aware' ...it is just as much the many many events that should in a sane world 'happen' but dont...are a weird inverse coincidence... so many supposedly decent 'friends' don't ever answer anything.. i take my time to lovingly share..often most thoughtfully... that is more than a coincidence, too....
but....wtf..i am bored of it all...so bored...
And hence, if you are say under about 55 and have just read this, and believe my words, please come and kill me as the most evil and hypocritical human ever, as i have so so worked out that it is immoral to share ones rather wise rational ponderings... on, as i say, if i am 'shown' there is more... then anyone can be...
and as peace is therein, for me, for anyone... well it is not good i even influence, slightly....
so deserve taking out of my miserable..boredom... at no brave real collaborators...
in all this wonderful fun... subverting is, and it is also jolly healthy! i mean even the Nazis did need 'subverting' as the majority did fall for them...fully and hook line and kichen sinker
Maybe had there been better jokes from the opposing camp...we may not have ended up with those troubling camps....
gentle sardonic humour is the only true weapon i know that sometimes works ...(listen to audio couple of days back..i mean it.. it matters to me... if no one else
i shall not even bother telling the funny story - i had even forgotten...referred to in one of those notes...H*** extremely highly paid Mother Theresa of London based 'mental health' goody goody services...had hired me to rebuild old sick dad's garden sheds.... adjoining a house no one lived in...no person... just me some days pottering along restoring the many years neglected roofs... along comes a bug.... nothing to do with me pottering away alone, for my modest workaday pay..in simply perfect full sunshine all day for weeks.... topless, super an...but working too...always doing a good job despite no boss on site... to busy being neurotic and hiding behind her sofa indoors from all that 'news' on her telly...then along comes the email even if she has run to her local second home... 'perhaps suspend the work due the bug, so dangerous you are there, for me... [not for me!]... ' this 'there' someewhere she never went to... i know i notice if tools are moved...deliberately left inside doors etc......and then 'i will pay a retainer of £50/mth just keep your expenses ticking over.. poor people like you not on my 75k thieving Londoners wage... ' funny how a few weeks later and the 'retainer' stopped coming in and said woman is walking down the street she crosses the road..a very small narrow one..pretends i not there...when for 20 years she had sold herself as community leader... but that is so so dull a story, and proves nothing...except the pandemic of fraud i have seen ongoing for about 15 years.... but that is another story another day)
Anyway that last bit doesnt sound very elegant or poetical....
And thus don't read that either...as that is not my 'style' ..which is many years stoical smiles at all the cant and vanities
but i really do wish, and have intended many years, to turn some of it all into beauttiful art in one way or other... and i have many stories far far more evocative than that one...all backed up by 100% undeniable factual evidence....digital....and i am thus 100% slander proof.... i learned a lesson. once....
